I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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