Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
