Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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