we have pet lesbian snakes
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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