Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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