I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
