Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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