dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
