Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
