I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
