Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
