Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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