Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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