I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
