Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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