Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
