I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
