Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
