I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
