you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
