Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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