You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
