I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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