I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
