it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
