I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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