i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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