it's too hot outside to masturbate.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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