God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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