then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
