That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
