I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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