my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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