Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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