I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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