Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
