the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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