Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
