quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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