Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
