Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
