neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
