I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
