thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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