This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think I sprained my soul last night
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
