dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
