I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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