why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
