Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
