she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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