The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
