either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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