During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
